Three Questions Every Parent Craves the Answers to.
Over the past 20 years, in my work as a therapist, I’ve worked with a huge range of children, parents, and families, from toddlers to college students. I’ve supported families of typically developing children and those with significant disabilities. All of these experiences have taught me that although there is no typical family, there are common concerns, struggles, and questions across families. Without a doubt, the top three questions I hear are:
Why does my child (hit/kick/tantrum)?
Is it my fault my child (screams/refuses to do what I ask/whines)?
I need to help my child stop (arguing/throwing things/waking me every night), where do I start?
In this post, I’ll provide some basic information to help you find answers to these common questions, along with links on where to learn more!
1. Why does my child (hit/kick/tantrum)?
The key concept in behavior therapy is that people do what works for them. You ask people to pass the salt because, most of the time, it works and you get the salt. If your family stopped passing the salt when you asked, eventually you wouldn’t bother asking for it, you’d just reach across the table and grab it. Behavior works the same way, people do what works for them. Your child hits/kicks/tantrums/whines/etc. because it results in her getting what she wants. The key question, therefore, is: What does your child want? The main causes of behavior are: avoiding something, gaining attention, getting the desired item, and sensory input. If your child is hitting to get attention, make sure not to give a big reaction for hitting anymore. If you think your child is having tantrums to get out of cleaning up, make sure your child cleans up despite the tantrum. If the behavior doesn’t work, it isn’t going to be worth the effort to keep doing it. To learn more about the causes of behavior, check out: https://thebehaviorbuzz.home.blog/2019/05/12/behavior-basics-part-1-causes-of-behavior/
2. Is it my fault my child (screams/refuses to do what I ask/bites)?
The short answer is: No, probably not - but that doesn’t mean you can’t fix it! Children don’t have enough knowledge or life experience to know how the world works or to know how to solve their problems. When they need something, they use whatever tools they’ve developed so far. Sometimes these tools are great (e.g., asking for help), but sometimes they aren’t (e.g., hitting to get a toy). Unless you specifically taught your child to hit other kids to get his way, it’s probably not your fault he hits. Kids try all kinds of strategies and when something happens to work, they stick with it and use it again. The important thing, though, is that even though you didn’t cause the issue you CAN fix it. Even though something can fix a problem, it doesn’t mean its absence caused it. A cast can help a broken bone heal, but the broken bone wasn’t caused by not wearing a cast. You are like a cast – you likely didn’t cause the issues but you can correct them!
3. I need to help my child stop (arguing/throwing things/waking me every night), where do I start?
In order to change behavior, you have to understand it. The best place to start is by studying what your child is doing and ensuring you know what your child is trying to get from her behavior. To figure out your child’s motivation, take a piece of paper and divide it into 3 columns. Then, pick one behavior (e.g., hitting) and whenever you see that behavior, chart it! In the first column, list what happened right before the behavior (who was present, time of day, location, any statements made to her or others, etc.). In the middle column list the details of the behavior (kicked, ran off, screamed "no") and how long it lasted (2 minutes, 3 hits, etc.). Finally, in the third column, write what you did as a result of the behavior. Include anything you said, whether you looked at her, walked away from her, and so forth. Put in every detail you can until your child calmed down. Once you have 5-10 events listed, go back and look for patterns. These patterns will help you figure out whether your child’s behavior is to avoid something, to get attention, or to get an actual item. Once you know your child’s goal, you can teach a more appropriate way to get that goal and ensure you stop giving the desired payout for the problem behavior. You can learn more about data collection here: https://thebehaviorbuzz.home.blog/2019/05/12/behavior-basics-part-2-tracking-behavior/ and more about changing behaviors here: https://thebehaviorbuzz.home.blog/2019/05/12/behavior-basics-3-rewards/
Parenting isn’t easy, but you can regain control of your home and your family once you realize that behavior is predictable and changeable!
Guest Blogger: Stacie Pozdol, M.S., LMHC is a licensed, masters-level therapist with 20 years experience working with individuals and families impacted by developmental and behavioral needs. Stacie graduated with distinction and high honors from the University of Michigan with a B.A. in Psychology. She graduated from Vanderbilt University with a master’s degree in Clinical Psychology. After leaving Vanderbilt, Stacie moved to Indianapolis and became licensed as a mental health counselor. Follow Stacie on her blog: The Behavior Buzz: https://thebehaviorbuzz.home.blog/