A Letter to the Unspoken Mother

Social media has become an optimal place for mothers, and strangers, to vent to each other about children they classify as ‘instigators’, without taking their concerns directly to the parent.

There is always more to the story…

A letter to the unspoken mother; your judgment holds validity but is soar.

Moms we need to stop judging. No fluffy words or fancy sentences needed. We must stop judging. Samuel L. Jackson once said, “Judgment is forced upon us by experience.”

We judge because we have been judged. We have felt the sting and the burn of someone else’s opinion and feelings about us. But what if we never showed our children judgment towards others? What if we never taught them the silent treatment of judgment? What if we put a stop to our inward and outward judgment?

Hard to do, and no one is perfect. However, everyone has the ability to grow into something stronger than the weakness of judgment.

Not just social media, but also on the playgrounds, local mom groups and social events, even in Hollywood. How counter-intuitive is it for mothers to teach that judgment is wrong, and yet movies portray mothers talking indiscreetly about other children? As if sitting on a park bench observing your child play while conversing with mothers, is some type of free pass for judgmental discussions about a specific child’s unwanted behaviors. Judgment on the littlest of souls, from the biggest of souls. Admittedly, I have a few moments of judgmental guilt, just like you. It’s easy and almost mamma bear like to judge a child that hurts your child. If you’re doing that I understand why. I get it. I have been on that side of parenting.

It took changing my perspective on parenting, and experiencing the struggle first hand, to see something deeper in the ‘instigator”. Here is something mothers must know. “That kid,” the one who said something or did something that feels overwhelming mean to your little one, is fighting a battle. A battle you, nor your child, understand. Heck, I would bet that 99.9% of the time that child’s parents don’t even understand.

You see your kid getting hurt and picked on, for that, I’m so sorry. But behind closed doors, that “instigator” is struggling with a Mod Podge of their own boundaries. Struggling to cope with all the stimulation the world throws at them. Struggling because they are ahead of their peers, or behind their peers. Struggling because the world is asking them to fit in, and yet their brains and bodies are unable to find what ‘fitting in’ means. Struggling to understand what children are good role models, and what children are not. Struggling with the constant demands to keep up with daily life tasks. Tasks going 1,000 times faster than their body or mind can interpret.

So while your child is hurt because of words another child spoke, the other child is hurting to find the truth and outward acceptance. Like it or not, the world gives us lots of unexpected moments to teach our children. This hurtful moment is just that, a chance to teach. Shift the casting of judgment to the power of teaching.

Teach them to stand for themselves. Teach them to use their voices and call on the adults when necessary. They must be showered with love and courage when they are hurt. Also teach them about the hurt, struggles, and sadness that comes from the other child-the “instigator”. Help then learn that they are not the “reason’ nor the “target” but rather they were just a soundboard at that moment in time for someone struggling internally, more than they know.

As the mother of the other child, a child working daily with the struggles of sensory processing disorder, I feel it’s valuable for other mothers to know, that most actions come from sensory overload. They don’t come with hate behind them, but rather a struggle to find a way to express how their surroundings are affecting them. This is a constant battle both in public and in the home. We are always working on it.

Unspoken mother, toss your hands in the air and declare “I’m done with judgment”.

Remove the experience remove the judgment.